Yep, me too. Keep seeing little furry faces poking out of bags. Even when sober.

An e-mail was sent around the office encouraging us to leave around 3-4 PM to beat the heat. Of course, the office is far cooler than the outside world, so frankly I'm inclined to stay here as long as possible.

Damn right. Sleep there. I took an extended and circuitous route today, replacing outdoor walking with air-conditioned public transit wherever possible.

It really DOES take balls to play the piano!

There is something surreal about seeing recipes for Spam linked inside the spam folder of my Gmail account.

Unnerving, even. "Vineyard spam salad," anyone? Just mix spam, peas, pearl onions, and grapes. Delightful and refreshing, and guaranteed to boost your cholesterol!

IN California, you need to pay property taxes on your office equipment. That's right. I rent. Doesn't matter! Even though one has already paid sales tax when buying a computer, a ladder, a corkscrew, etc, the state (via the county) decides you need to pay again. For ever. Sure, it depreciates, but bite me, Arnold.

That's funny. Just yesterday I had to boot some dude out of the restaurant because he had a small white dog in a backpack. It took us a while to notice because the dog was so small and so hidden by the bag.

This dude was a real treat. He was part of a six-top and he ignored his server's polite request that he remove the dog from the restaurant. "Ignored" as in acted as if she did not even exist. So of course, she asked me to do the dirty work.

And of course, I can't pass up a challenge like that. What I did was walk over to his table, remind him of The Law, and then when he ignored me too, I just leaned down and stared pleasantly at him with a slight smile on my face, until he became uncomfortable. I can't imagine why.

He said he had a "psychological condition" that exempted him from the health codes. He said he "had the proof at home if I wanted him to go get it." I said that would be good, and kept on staring at him. Then he said he would go home and get it, and also, he would have his lawyer call me. I can't wait.

Staring and smiling were extremely effective ways to persuade a potentially-disruptive customer into leaving quietly. He knew I wasn't leaving his side until he left, so he left. I must remember to employ this tactic in the future, when faced again with an entitled hipster liar + his security blanket dog.


PS His friends thanked me for standing up to him, said he pulls this shit all the time, just to see if he can get away with it. Society is disintegrating before our very eyes.

Not with you there to bolster it up, baby.

Be afraid.

I am, but not of you, dollbaby. You're the Entitled Hipster Liar Whisperer.

in my dreamy pre-sleep last night a new word popped into my head. banktuary. you know, it's that part of a bank lobby where there is a quiet garden, a running stream, a chapel. yeah.

Limping across Rockefeller Plaza in the unbearable heat, only to hear the amplified voice of Al Roker bellowing "Remember to stay cool...".

Thanks, Al.

mrs. jones expressed interest in an ipod, perhaps for her birthday. now, we both have set amounts we spend on each other's birthday and holiday gifts and an ipod is out of the budget for either taken singly. so, i said, well, i could get you one as a combo birthday-christmas gift. hmm, she said, i don't know if i want just one thing for two occasions. well then, said i, as a joke, why don't you take my old ipod for your birthday and i'll buy myself a new one. instead of hitting me she said: okay. eat your heart out, homer simpson.

Are you sure that is an "okay" that really means O.K.? It could be a trap.

no, it is genuine. she just told me to hurry up and buy the new one so she can take the old one on her upcoming trip to san antonio. i should probably make a few more requests while this lasts.

Overheard today when walking past two big tough guys sitting on their Harley's as one snaps his cellphone shut and shouts to his buddy over the roar of the engines:

"That was Marco, my landscaper."

"Oh my god, he is awesome. Have you seen the perrenials he put in by our pool?"

"Why do you think I hired him?"

I just got the new pod last week. After downloading a ton of my music library I added Bourdain's first season of No Reservations. Very cool and decent video quality.

You can get away with the one expensive present covers both occasions scam if you sugar it by offering a token present on the other occasion. (Tips for Guys)

I am also hearing that you can buy yourself expensive presents anytime. At least if you are willing to give away your old stuff.

Spent the day having the weirdest conversations with Boalt about registration, tuition payment, and all the other details I've been worrying about. I'm getting what I call the "don't-worry-your-pretty-little-head-about-it" response. Do they actually want money? Well, in trying to get information about where to send tuition (I have never received a paper bill) I have been helpfully informed that if I don't pay by the deadline there is no late fee and few repercussions. I can register and attend class for a full month without paying them a dime. I think I can't use the gym. I keep telling them that I want to pay my bill on time and they reluctantly gave me the information, but clearly they just want me to show up at orientation and deal with everything then.

California is so weird.

Shrike, would you mind explaining the 'at least' part to my husband? I thank yew.

John gave me a bottle of Patron Reposada for my birthday. I just now took off the plastic seal and took out the cork - poured myself a shot. Just now heard a noise. The cork had popped off the bottle. Now that I think about it, this tequila is FIZZY. That's wrong, right??

Unless you mixed it with seltzer.

You're so going to hate it here, aren't you?

QUOTE

Oh, the horror of it.

They're just setting you up. Before you know it, you'll be getting advance bills, duplicate bills, erroneous bills, bills with charges you'll never be able to decipher. Just tell yourself: it's only 3 years.

Three years and then the alumni association starts extorting money from you.

Yesterday, at the 53rd and Lex subway station: A South American Native American playing the wooden pipes. The tune? "Loch Lomond."

I heard similar pipes playing a heartfelt rendition of Abba's "Fernando."

My husband has a torn meniscus, for which his doc has recommended physical therapy. The PTs office called to schedule an appointment. The PTs name? Hugh Main. Let's hope so.

does he have a proctologist named hugh janus?

okay, back to writing my patently insincere statement about how much i love academic service.

In my hometown there used to be an optometrist named O.U. Reade.

Fly

Not T. J. Eckleberg?

You mean you've read something besides tabloid journals?

I love the subway ads for the doctor who removes skin blemishes--Dr. Zitsmore. Could that be his real name?
Why wouldn't he change it to Zitsless?

I overheard part of a job interview while having lunch at a BBQ joint today.

After some HR chit chat, the interview began.

Woman #1: So... what was your worst shopping experience ever?

Woman #2: Hmmmm. Saks Fifth Avenue? I tried to buy a dress once? And the sales people were so rude? It was very uncomfortable.

Woman #1: Yes, Saks. I've heard that before. Okay. Now, what was your best shopping experience ever?

At which point I resumed my reading.

The lady who cuts my hair admired by necklace, and asked what it was. Tiger's eye, I said.

It took me a moment to realize that her stricken look meant she thought it was Tiger's. Eye.

Better than Wood's. Hole.

Does T. J. write for one of the tabs? Damn I missed it.

Hey, this is beautiful.

One night in a drunken stupor I was reaching for what I thought was the green faerie and came up with the green light. I dunno, it happens.

Those of you who follow baseball will know that Chase Utley was trying to extend a thirty-five-game hitting strreak when he came into Shea Stadium last night. I was present, in my usual seat high above home plate. When Utley unsuccessfully attempted to bunt his way on, I shouted out, "Joe Dimaggio never bunted." Imagine my amazement when I read the account of the game in this morning's Times and saw myself quoted.

Reminds me of a night long ago when I was hanging out with some friends at a leather bar. Great big hairy-chested gay guys in chains, black leather chaps and vests (and little else, save the occasional steel-spiked dog collar) were discussing the merits of their Roman blinds, the poofy-er ones.

is right.

Looks like you have a way with words. Of course, Joe played against pitchers trying to throw complete games. So by the 8th or 9th, they might not have been as sharp. I'm sure somebody has done an analysis of when his hits were made.

A very interesting point. I'll try to find some research. By the same token, however, there were half as many players in the bigs as there are today and there were almost no night games. Pitching is the weakest aspect of today's game. The best year ever for pitching was 1968, when there were twenty teams and the mound was five inches higher than it is today.

I saw that.

The point has also been made that, after Dimaggio broke his streak at 56, he went on to hit in the next 16 games, making it 72 out of 73.

The other point is it was 1941 and due to the war pitching and fielding might not have been optimal. That was the same year that Teddy Ballgame elected to play in a double header on the last day of the season and went 6 for 8 boosting his .3996 average to .406. Nobody has hit .400 since.

This country did not enter the war until several months after the season was over. Very few men had been drafted at that time. Very possibly, none were major league ballplayers.

Well, some might have been minor leaguers who signed up and would otherwise have offered their talents in opposition to the Clipper. That and a preoccupation with the battle to come may have thrown things a bit out of wack. Regardless, Dimaggio batted .357 to Williams' .406.

The story goes that, not long before he died, Dimaggio was asked what he would say to George Steinbrenner if he were playing today and his contract came up.

The Clipper replied, "I'd say 'Hello, partner.'"